what im feeling

It feels like mom and dad have given up on me
Just because I like to chill out and watch TV
Because I like staying up til’ quarter past three
And because I wanna be a legendary emcee
Neglecting my school work – you’d think it was murder
I know I’m being a stupid berk – haven’t hit terra firma
But one day too late I’m gonna realise a few facts
My GCSEs in a few weeks, my mind state will crack
Like the SS breaking into a innocent mind for info
Or knowing that your soul is gonna be ripped out and go
Up to tha G.O.D, the result of your enemy’s fo-fo
Whether a pig or a friend, the feeling smacks a blow
Just like what I’m feeling right now, God why has thou
Forsaken me, for not praying or being a Muslim, now
Please forgive me; I got no chance without you
My mind’s blank, eating too much fast food
Because when the depression kicks in, it’s worse than hell
I look at other people, I’m missing what they say and tell
To each other, I’m the person that’s neglected, hated
Fated to live a life of sadness and hate, it’s blatant

For the last four months, my life been so bad
At one time I got a knife; aimed for my wrists cuz I was so sad
Messages and verses of Holy Scriptures resonating
Through my mind, that what I’d do would be degrading
And shaming to God, a one way ticket to the burning fire
My mind is like a tightrope walker, wobbling on a thin wire
If I slip either way, I’ll fall into depths of mental insanity
The only way I can express myself is through profanity
I look at myself, I’m destined for a higher things
I’m multi-talented; I can write poetry, rap and sing
I know knowledge is power, so why am I so reluctant
I got potential; I’m so tired that I can’t stand to be patient
God if I’m for hell come and manifest me into the grave
Because I’m fat, ugly, and life is shave after close shave

All I want is to be respected, for what I am and what I got
I want someone to love me, not to love me not
But looking myself in the mirror, I just wanna grab a gun
Suicide, with the feeling that I’m so wide, I ain’t a nun
I haven’t vowed abstinence, because that has to be
One of the most stupid things I’ve heard, how is it possible
To abstain from the thing that puts everybody
Into feelings of ecstasy upon ecstasy, but me, another story
I spend my time in vain; while all time does it tick away
My feelings become inane; my mind becomes difficult to tame
Trapped trying to attain the fame, to pull myself out of this same
Gutter of feelings that kill, to at the same time to stay real
To Hip-Hop, to the few that won’t forsake me for anything
My few true homies, those who truly know me, that why I sing
Tales of sorrow and sanity, tomorrow another family
Loses a brother, seeing his weeping mother cry for he
Now take that pain, multiply that it and give it another name
And you got what I feel, don’t take me for insane
I’m just one person, me against the world and its brother
That’s why I stay true to the theories of M.A.K to the Veli
The P.A.C resurrected my fluttering confidence and mentality
I was about to lose track of reality, until he came to me
And that’s why I try to stick to thug life no matter the situation
And that’s why my lyrical mindset ain’t hypocritical for the nation
But my parents are hypercritical at the slightest wrong that I do
That’s why I find refuge in eating and gorging on fat food
I’m like lonely wanderer, a peaceful yet defeated warrior
Defeated by everything that life throws at me, told I’m inferior
To everyone else, that everyone has a right happiness but me
That I’m shackled while everyone else runs around free
That’s I’m crying right now, everyone has forsaken me

God, my parents, my friends have all left me, God help me
Give me another chance to show you that I am good
Please, cuz I can’t live this life, I can’t keep throwing a hood
Over my face, trying to escape the reality of life
I need you God, to escape this unbearable strife
But I don’t know where to begin, for I have sinned a lot
Hard to believe that a fifteen year old child has got
To this point, where his mind and soul are locked away
His heart buried under the blackness of the devils bay
And nothing can penetrate, although a single ray
Of light tries and tries again, but the answer to the mind is nay
God hasn’t got through, and I suffer more and more
I wish I was sure that the most High and the most Pure
Loved me, because I would love him if I had the chance
While the devil bribes me with drinks and girls in France
This ballad was written all at one sitting, the truth revealed
And now I must be smitten dumb, as the truth must be concealed
Four weeks later, I come back to add a sign within line after line
Pain burning through my brain like Voldemort touching Potter’s mind
I used to love my father, til’ he punched me in the face
Pace after pace it was always an unbeatable race
I watched my love slowly turn from the pain of rejection to hatred
My intellect slowly melted to be replaced by the fated
Feelings of anger and hurt, as God is my witness don’t deserve this
Piece of piss, everywhere I walk all I hear a hiss since
I entered my school; all I’ve received is mental pains and aches
I mentored numerous fools, while I heaved in misery and fake
Brothers and homies deserted me, provoked me, melancholy
Feeling of dejection, while all people gave me rejection
The false projection, of people who liked me was an affliction
write bye: Born-Tragedy[b]